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I was emailing back and forth last night with one of my law school friends who also happens to be taking the bar tomorrow when he informed me that 'he has never been this nervous' in his life. I tried to by sympathetic, I really did. And I thanked my lucky stars that I have done things that seem a whole lot more scary than taking some little test.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a little nervous. And I'm really looking forward to this all being over, but this doesn't rise to the level of 'scariest thing ever" for me. No matter how badly this goes, it is not going to hurt me physically. I'm not going to drown or crash or end up in the medical tent with an IV in my arm. After 2.4/112/26.2 the bar exam seems a little tame.

But there is a downside to the comparison. The great thing about Ironman is that even at its worst, you know it will be over in one day. It may take 17 hours of pain and suffering (or in the case of my last one, 15 hours of pain and suffering and delerium followed by a car ride and a trip to the med tent), but at midnight that night, you are done. Tomorrow night I will be exhausted and grumpy ... and only halfway done!

In the days before Ironman you are always questioning your preparation but you learn to set those fears aside, because at this point, there is nothing you can do about it. Please believe that that is a useful lesson to have learned going into the bar exam. There is absolutely nothing I can do about the last two months. While I think my preparation went pretty well, there are a few things I would do differently if I had to go back and do it all over again. Does that matter now? Absolutely not. What's done is done and the only thing I can control is where I focus my energy for the rest of this evening and what I put on paper tomorrow and Wednesday.

Think happy thoughts for me ... I think I will need them!

It started with a bum shoulder. I had no idea what I did to deserve this nagging pain, but there it was. Making me wince when I moved my arm in a certain direction and keeping me from going to the gym. The worst of all was when I woke up in the middle of the night with a searing pain in my shoulder. I must have been sleeping on it wrong and wow it hurt! I popped two Ibebroken tablets in my mouth and crawled back to bed, resisting the encroaching feeling of faintness.*

The good news is that the shoulder seems to be on the mend. The bad news is that I have a bug in my eye.

Sort of.

A few days ago I was sitting on my deck reading a Con Law outline when I noticed what looked like a gnat or a flea hopping around on the lense of my sunglasses. I took off my sunglasses but still saw the bug. I took out my contacts and still saw the bug. Its three days later and I still see the bug.

As any prudent seeker of medical advice would do, I turned to Google**. And according to Dr. Google I am suffering from a floater. And the damn thing is driving me batty. Every time I look around, I see it. And I try to focus on it. And because it is inside my eye and moves with my eye I CAN'T focus on it. Its like some sort of Chinese water torture and apparently these things can last forever. Oh, and they are a normal part of the aging process. The aging process?!?! Now I'm aging?! This just keeps getting better and better!

A black speck floating around in my field of vision for two full days of sitting for the bar exam just might be enough to drive me to drink ...

* I'm a fainter. Especially when it involves waking up in pain.
** Note that I do plan on asking my eye doc about it the next time I am there, and if more spots show up I will most certainly be making an appointment earlier than planned

I know some of you are waiting very anxiously for a race report from last weekend's mountain bike race (!!!) but you are just going to have to sit tight a little while longer. Long story short: it was tough, it was hot, it was FUN. I'm hooked.

After several weeks of waiting I found out today that currentplaceofemployment is not going to have a position for me, at least not anytime in the near future. No funding means no job which means I am back to square one. At first I was absolutely devestated. This was the dream job and I had pretty much relied on the fact that it was going to happen back when I was making decisions about where to take the bar. My panic quickly dissipated when I realized that its not too late to take the bar in Colorado. I have until the end of the month to get my application in, which is plenty of time. So we're back to plan B.

What is SO exciting about that is that it means we could be in Colorado by the end of the month! What is SO scary about that is that it means we could be in Colorado by the end of the month?! There is a LOT to get done if we are going to move in three or four weeks ... oh, and I have finals coming up. Yikes.

So the job search has begun anew. I am broadening the scope of the kinds of gigs I am looking for. I would still LOVE to do environmental law but I'm open to all kinds of public interest type stuff. I just sent off an application for a position with the Public Defender's office in Denver - which is something that has interested me for a while now. Unfortunately pretty much all of my experiences and coursework and whatnot are in enviromental law, so I'm not sure how marketable I am, but its worth a try.

I REALLY need to buckle down and start studying for my final on Saturday but ALL I can think about is these recent developments and how very very different our lives could look in a very short time. Its exciting. And terrifying. And very very exhausting.

Stay tuned.

My most favoritest band on the planet is in town this week for a two night run. As soon as tickets went on sale the fiance and I shelled out $35 a pop (not including ticketbastard charges which upped the cost significantly ...) and I was STOKED when yesterday finally rolled around.

I love these guys ... there is something about their music that gets me like none other, which is why I spent a significant amount of money in college traveling around and seeing them as much as humanly possible. Once upon a time we would drive to Ames (or some other pseudo-nearby college town), dance our asses off at the show, turn around and drive three or four hours home that night, and I would still make it to my first class the next day. So of course I figured I would have no problem making it to my 10:30 this morning, when the show was only 45 minutes away in KC. Only problem is, I woke up this morning feeling like I had been hit by a train.

I didn't drink much. Probably three beers over the course of seven hours. We didn't get home that late. Probably 12:30 or so and I was in bed and snoring at 1 a.m. So why do we feel like crap today? All I can think of is that my 27 years on this planet are finally catching up with me ...

It didn't help that it was about eight hundred degrees in the theatre last night. Add to that a few thousand sweaty bodies all crammed in dancing like there was no tomorrow and you've got a recipe for dehydration. The heat was stifling and by the time we left I was absolutely drenched.

Now its 2:30 p.m. and I'm trying to get motivated to head back to KC for night two. I am on my second cup of coffee and have a veggie burrito in my belly, so I think I'm on the upswing. But MAN, this is rough.

The good news is the show was awesome. How a band that can rock so hard at times can sound so beautiful at others just blows my mind. I have a short list of obscure Panic songs that I would LOVE to hear and they hit two of them last night ... I'm hoping for a few more tonight. With the entrance of Ironman and law school into my life, I hadn't had the time or money to see them in a while, and I remember why I love them so much. And I really really can't wait till we're out in Colorado and I can catch the annual Red Rocks run. I've been to Red Rocks four times and truly believe its just as good as everyone makes it sound. There is no better place to see a show.

For now I've just gotta focus on mustering up the energy to do it all again tonight!

All last week I had to fight the urge to make a frustrated self-pitying post about how I don't have a job yet. Everyone at school seems to be obsessed at the moment with bar applications* and I got sucked in - which was terrifying seeing as I don't even know where I want to take the bar. I was depressed and anxious and feeling very very hopeless.

I have posted before on this subject. Since writing that last post (and after surviving last week's constant feeling of dread) I am feeling one hundred times better about the future. I have stopped hoping desperately to get an offer at my current job, and honestly, while I love the work - at this point I'm not even sure if I'd accept one if I got it. With my chance of future employment there being uncertain, I have been forced to look elsewhere ... and I feel like the world has opened up to me.

In the last week I have sent out applications for several different gigs, all in places where I would LOVE to live. Two of the jobs are what I unquestionably describe as my "dream job". One of the others would give me more experience that would help me get my dream job. And I am still considering an LLM.

But here's the most exciting part. The part that I am pretty much giddy about. After much much discussion with the fiance, my mom, my best friend, Maddie's former foster mom, and just about anyone else who will listen, we have pretty much decided that if no offers have come my way by the time I need to make a decision about the bar, I will be taking the bar in Colorado.

The truth is that while I don't hate KC and while I do really like Larryville, I have been trying for a LONG time to figure out how to move west. The truth is that I could just as easily end up unemployed in Kansas. The truth is that if ever there was a time when we could pick up our lives and just go somewhere new this is it. Colorado (and many other mountainous places) has been calling my name for a long long time and if we are going to go, NOW is the time to do it.

I am absolutely beyond thrilled.

Will I get my dream job right away? Probably not. Hopefully I can find something though that will help me get more experience so that when the dream job does come along, I am more marketable. The fiance's job is pretty portable, so that really isn't a problem. We would be moving out there on one income ... which is a little scary ... but I am confident that it will work out.

Hopefully things won't be so uncertain. I am trying not to get my hopes up too much about the jobs I applied for this week, but if by some miracle I DO get offers, we could end up in any number of fabulous places and I will be THRILLED. But even if I don't have a job ... we may just be heading west anyway.

I'm not sure why it seems so risky. Cost of living is higher out there, but not dramatically so, at least not compared to any number of places people pack up and move to (Denver's got nothing on New York, San Diego, San Francisco ...). Part of it may be that the first time in my life that I will be financially independent will also be the first time I am living too far away from my family to be able to easily mooch off them. But I think it will be good. I think its time. I think that this is one of those things that ten years from now we'll look back on and think thank god we took that risk!.

I went from being terribly anxious last week to absolutely giddy and excited this week. Every morning I wake up wondering if this is the day that I learn something about what my future will look like, and I know that if its NOT that day, it is one step closer to me taking the reigns of my life and moving to where I want to go and figuring out how to make things work. Fortuantely, the fiance is totally down with all of this. He's excited too. Regardless of what I learn and when I learn it, it looks like we will be moving west.

* Now that I have sat down and actually looked at a bar application I have no idea what everyone is so freaked out about. I have had to dig up a few pieces of information (see: dorm room numbers from college?!) but its actually been sort of a fun exercise in sleuthing.

Yeserday morning I got up at 6, bundled up and drove 50 miles on slick roads with my windshield constantly icing over to work. I worked for three hours and then my supervisormentorchick saw me and said "What the heck are you doing here?! Go home!". So I turned around and drove 50 more miles home on the same slick icy roads. And now the Maddie Dog and I are all hunkered down and ready to weather the storm in the apartment. I've got loads of food and coffee and wine and reading material. It sounds like a little retreat almost and that sounds really nice.

Work has been exciting. I have been paired up with one of the newer attorneys (she was a 3L when I was a 1L) and we are fumbling our way through this pretty crazy case together. We're being supervised by one of the managers/big shots in the office, who is FABULOUS to work with and is teaching us so much. This is the most that I've ever been involved in actual case development and its been really pretty interesting, especially when our whole case pretty much fell apart when we got some test results back. We're still plugging away though.

The work thing is really starting to stress me out again. Not the actual being at work part, but the whole trying to get hired part. I want so desperately to stay, and if I can't stay, to at least know where I will go next, and its driving me batty. I wish I could just get some indication of what the chances are. I'm not at all sure what is ok to ask and say to those who can influence my chances of being hired. My supervisormentorchick knows how much I want to stay, but I don't know that those who actually makes the decisions do and I don't know if its ok to tell them?

Anyway, time to make another cup of coffee and curl up with my hound and a book. Happy icy weekend everyone!

So now that the initial rush of ohmygodwe'reENGAGED has worn off, its time to at least start thinking about the details and what this all means in real life.

And what it means is that we have to start planning a wedding?!

At first the whole idea made me feel all sorts of squeamish. Not because I have any sort of doubt about my ability and desire to commit to the jboy, but because ... well ... weddings are BIG events. Big formal events. The kind of events that I sort of dread. And the word "bride" just sounds sooooo girly and anyone who knows me knows I can fake the girly role when need be, but deep down, I am a tom boy through and through.

But something has happened over the last week or so. I don't know if its the overwhelmingly happy response of all of my girl friends or some sort of inner girlyness coming out, but the idea of planning a wedding is actually starting to sound ... fun? And I find myself thinking about things like what do I want my dress to look like and what kind of flowers do I want? Don't get me wrong, the most exciting part of wedding planning for me is still trying to figure out where I want to go on a honeymoon and what location will let us go mountain biking and hiking and kayaking and recover while sipping wine next to a fireplace or firepit or some other type of fire-bearing gizmo. But the frilly-er details are intriguing to me too. Beyond the honeymoon I am most excited about picking flowers!? Really?! Who is this woman?!

I don't want our wedding to be a huge fancy ordeal. But I'm loving the challenge of trying to figure out how to plan a big party that represents us and who we are. Its kind of cool, really.

For the most part I'm not too freaked out about the prospect of graduating and finding a job and all that fun stuff. Its exciting. Having said that, it wouldn't be honest to say that sometimes, every once in a while, the uncertainty of what is to come didn't freak me out.

Last night (and somewhat still today) I had one of those moments.

Its hard because I really love my job and I really love the people I work with. I know there are plenty of places to work but I'm pretty attached to where I am and I really don't want to leave. I'm fortunate in having found a job and an office and a group of people that I feel like so perfectly fits my interests and personality and lifestyle. But having found all that perfectness makes the fact that nothing is certain that much harder.

When I entered law school, I had this feeling that I would get the internship I had this summer (and am still at now). In reality, I had no reason to believe that would happen. There is a limited number of positions and a whole lot of people applying for them and my grades are certainly not what they could be. But still I felt in my heart like I would get it. And I did. I feel the same way about where I will end up permantently. I feel like someday, years from now, I will look back and laugh at how worried I was about finding a job when I knew in reality where I would end up. But those thoughts don't really help in the dark of night when I'm trying to come up with some sort of backup plan.

I hadn't been to work for a few weeks because of finals. When I was there yesterday I ran into one of the attorneys I worked with a lot this summer. We chatted for a minute and he commented on "Wow! So this is your last semester?!" I said "Yeah ..." and he said "Now we just need to figure out who we can start to push over the cliff of retirement ...". And really, thats pretty much what its gonna take for me to be able to stay. And as of right now there doesn't seem to be anyone eager to call it quits. Low turnover rates is the downside of a job that is just too good.

In the meantime I'm still trying to keep my options open. I'm looking for other jobs and considering an LLM. I have sent off resumes and have found more jobs I will be applying for. I do it begruddingly though because right now even the best jobs in the greatest locations don't seem as good as what I have going on now.

It has been one helluva freakin' day. I don't know how else to describe it.

Because of finals I haven't been to work in two weeks. Today was my big day to go back. I got up early in the morning and got all prettied up. Took the dog out twice and I was on my way out the door to actually go to work when I looked at my car and realized I was looking right into my car. My first thought was "that's weird ... I must have left the window down." My second thought was "Oh dear god someone broke into my car".

Stupid stupid me left my iPod sitting on the seat of my car, which was parked next to my front door (NOT in the garage ... again, stupid me ...) and apparently it was just a little but too much of a temptation for some loser. Well, that loser now has an iPod full of some pretty great music, and I have a smashed window.

Doing what any self-respecting twenty-seven year old lawyer-to-be would do, I called my dad. We spent the afternoon cleaning glass and other crap out of my car (yeah, dad wasn't too happy about the amount of "other crap" in my car ... and rightfully so ... even I hadn't realized it had gotten that bad!), taped a tarp over the window (did I mention it was POURING rain today?!) and dropped it off at the shop. The repairs will cost me a few hundred, which pretty much sucks, but I should be good to go by tomorrow evening.

All day I have oscillated between feeling grateful (we'll get to that) and feeling incredibly violated. One minute I feel fine and the next I'm sobbing. Its all very strange.

How can I possibly feel grateful? Well, here's the thing. I know that I can be way too trusting of other people. I know that there have been nights where I have left my purse in my car or a bike in the car. What if it was my tri bike or my new mountain bike that was stolen? Or my laptop? What if (and this is by far the scariest) instead of breaking into my car they broke into my apartment and stole Maddie (or let her out in the process of breaking in)?! This was a very very good lesson in not being quite so trusting. You better believe I will be parking in the garage religiously from now on and never ever leaving anything in sight.

Aside from his grumpyness over my messy car, my dad and I actually had a pretty nice day. After dropping the car off at the shop we went and had a nice lunch. We talked about all sorts of things including the fact that my lease will expire this summer and I will need to find a new place to live. While we were sitting there eating he commented "Yanno [Looneyville] is a pretty cool town". I said "Yeah ... I love this place ... its home. When someone asks where I'm 'from' the answer is Looneyville. Not Florida and not the BigCity. I'm gonna be really really sad to leave". To which he said "Well why don't you stay?"

Neither Josh nor I had ever really pondered the thought of staying here. Of course, my best friend has commented on several occaisions that she can't imagine us living in the BigCity .. we are "too [Looneyville]." Jobs in this town are hard to come by. The thought of commuting never really occurred to us. But really, why not? Sure, moving to the BigCityBurbs would cut my commute time in half ... but how valuable is that really? Moving here would dramatically add to Josh's commute ... but is it maybe worth it???

I love this town with all my heart. Its wacky and vibrant oasis in a state that is largely very bland. The BigCityBurbs really just sort of suck the life out of me. There's parts that are ok but nothing out there compares to living in Looneyville.

Its definitely something to consider. Commuting is officially a pain in the arse but it could be worth it. My commute from here is 45-50 minutes ... if we moved to the City it would be 25-30. Both Josh and I have jobs (this is all assuming I actually get to keep working where I work, which at this point is probably assuming too much) which will allow us to work from home sometimes or work condensed four day schedules. Compared to the city (at least where we would live in the city), the mountain biking out here is FANTASTIC. I have two different trails within ten minutes of me and another trail system about a 25 minute drive away. We would NOT have that anywhere in the City.

I don't know. Its definitely something to consider. Now I just need a freakin' job offer ... and a new passenger side window in my car ...

who gets chills every time I see this ad.

It might be just really effective marketing, or it might be a really great idea. It seems like a pretty great idea.