Recently in girly stuff Category

So now that the initial rush of ohmygodwe'reENGAGED has worn off, its time to at least start thinking about the details and what this all means in real life.

And what it means is that we have to start planning a wedding?!

At first the whole idea made me feel all sorts of squeamish. Not because I have any sort of doubt about my ability and desire to commit to the jboy, but because ... well ... weddings are BIG events. Big formal events. The kind of events that I sort of dread. And the word "bride" just sounds sooooo girly and anyone who knows me knows I can fake the girly role when need be, but deep down, I am a tom boy through and through.

But something has happened over the last week or so. I don't know if its the overwhelmingly happy response of all of my girl friends or some sort of inner girlyness coming out, but the idea of planning a wedding is actually starting to sound ... fun? And I find myself thinking about things like what do I want my dress to look like and what kind of flowers do I want? Don't get me wrong, the most exciting part of wedding planning for me is still trying to figure out where I want to go on a honeymoon and what location will let us go mountain biking and hiking and kayaking and recover while sipping wine next to a fireplace or firepit or some other type of fire-bearing gizmo. But the frilly-er details are intriguing to me too. Beyond the honeymoon I am most excited about picking flowers!? Really?! Who is this woman?!

I don't want our wedding to be a huge fancy ordeal. But I'm loving the challenge of trying to figure out how to plan a big party that represents us and who we are. Its kind of cool, really.

That was my answer. I think. I don't really remember. I remember the way my boyfriend walked out of the bedroom with a goofy look on his face and I remember the way I started shaking and I vaguely remember him getting down on one knee. And after that it was a blur. There was more shaking and some tears and all I know is that when it was all over I was as happy as I have ever been in my life.

It wasn't a huge surprise. After almost five years and many many conversations, I knew it was coming sometime soon. But I was not expecting it Thursday night. The way he did it was so simple and sincere and beautiful. It was perfect. Everything about it was perfect.

Friday morning we got up and went to Omaha for my cousin's wedding. At first I felt a little guilty getting engaged the day before her wedding. It was supposed to be her weekend. But then I remembered that she and her (now) husband got engaged en route to someone else's wedding and how great she thought the whole thing was. And she was right. The whole family was there and we got to all celebrate together. My cousin who was getting married was the most excited of all. She flipped out when she found out and for the rest of the weekend every single time we saw her or her (now) husband they were all "Congratulations you guys!!" We finally told them they could STOP saying that and they were like "Noooo!! We're so excited for you!!!". At the reception my cousin got do do the first dance with her husband and then danced with her dad. After that she got on the mic and called Josh and I and another couple whose anniversary was that day up and we got our own dance. I was so embarrassed but it was also very very sweet.

I'm still in shock. All weekend my parents were introducing Josh to people as my fiance and everytime we were like "whooooah ... that's WEIRD!". But its so very wonderful.

We just got back from Omaha about an hour ago and tomorrow morning we will be leaving to hang out with a bunch of friends for a week in Colorado which sounds like the perfect time for more celebrating. I really couldn't be much happier.

We have tons of pictures from the wedding and will have tons more from Colorado but you will have to wait until next week. I promise to make it worth the wait.

Oh, and the ring is BEAUTIFUL and perfect and SO me! :)

I took a break this afternoon from studying to clean up the toxic waste site that my bedroom becomes during finals. I was digging through a drawer when I came across an old looking manila envelope that I didn't remember being there. I opened it up and found a treasure chest of old memories. It was stuff that was on my bulletin board in the house I grew up in in Florida. When we moved to the midwest when I was a senior in high school, I packed it all up into an envelope and apparently forgot about it. Here's some of the more interesting contents:

*a birthday card made for me by my high school boyfriend's little sister - complete with glitter and construction paper hearts

*postcards from one of my best friends from when he left to join the Coast Guard. The postcards are pictures of the boat he was on and you could tell by the writing on the back how excited he was.

*pictures from my junior prom

*photo booth pictures of me and my swimming pals, circa sophomore year of h.s.

*pictures from my first trip to YMCA Nationals - I was 12.

*ticket stubs from the FL High School state meets

*one of those little cards that comes on flowers from my club swim coach wishing me luck at H.S. State's and reminding me to bend my knees when I swim fly

*a picture of my high school friends and I all gussied up - about to go to the fancy shmancy graduation party for the class ahead of us

*a ticket stub from my first open water race - this one is really interesting to me. I was sort of forced into doing this 4k open water swim race in the ski lagoon at Sea World. I initially wasn't too enthused about it but then I fell in LOVE with open water swimming. I first got into triathlons as a way to do more open water swimming. That ticket stub, and the event that it represents, may have played a big part in getting me where I am now.

One of the last things I came across was a picture from my new high school (that I was only at for senior year) in Kansas City. I couldn't figure out how it made it in with all this stuff from my life in Florida. And then I realized that it was there from the visit that we had taken to Kansas before actually moving, when I visited my new school. I love how that one picture indicates the change that was to come ... which eventually led me to where I am now.

Much to my mall-loving mother's chagrin, I have never been much of a shopper. I mostly do it out of neccessity, and I do admittedly enjoy looking good ... I'm just not one who really enjoys the process of getting to that point.

Having said that, I am completely and utterly addicted to the Athleta catelogue and website. I'm not sure how I started getting the catelogue in the mail, but its like Christmas when it arrives. I literally could spend hours pouring over the 20 pages of outdoorsy-girly-athletic clothes. Thank GOD they don't actually have a store, or I would be even more broke than I am now.

The funniest thing about this is that while I LOVE looking at the stuff, I have yet to actually order anything. Too expensive for my no-income lifestyle. I think I am going to break that streak however and order this hat. Its a little pricey, but very cute and the description of how it is made pretty much sold me.

Along with the whole sick friend thing, this week I seem to have found myself putting a significant amount of time and energy into helping someone with an absolutely hellish situation they are facing in their life. She's understandably a wreck and I seem to be the one attempting to help her pick up the pieces.

This was all fine and good when it was just one or two days of big drama. But now, its continuing far longer than I can really handle. Its really starting to take its toll on me. I'm not sleeping well, I'm not getting the stuff done that I need to get done, I've missed a couple classes. And its happening at the worst possible time with finals starting next week and Ironman training needing to be at its peak.

So what do I do? I've told this person that I would always be there for her, to call me any time, to come over whenever she needs to... and I can't very well rescind that offer, but STILL. What she is going thru is miserable and I understand why she doesn't want to be alone, and it seems very very unfair that there should be some sort of statute of limitations on my patience and willingness to push all other things aside to help her out.

No less than three people in my life have said to me in the last couple weeks "I'm worried about you - you need to take care of YOURSELF" first. And I know that. But really - how do you say no?

[Edited: A couple days later and I have managed to get major sleep, get a ton of studying done, and get back on the training wagon. Life seems to be settling back in to normal. Yay boundaries.]

I'm flat out, completely, 100% exhausted today. Both physically and mentally. The proverbial shit hit the fan yesterday in a huge way that I really can't blog about. Lets just say that it was a long day and a late night and my heart is absolutely breaking for my friend who has found herself in a confusing and painful and incredibly incredibly sticky situation.

I woke up this morning not sure whether I just wanted to pull the covers back over my head and sleep the next few days away or get up and try to conquer the world. I went with the conquer the world option, but my bed is still trying to lure me back to it. Unfortunately, even if I went to bed I couldn't turn off my brain - so I'm up and moving and trying to be a productive member of society. We'll see how that goes.

One of the things that struck me last night as the boytoy and I laid in bed talking about all this is just how great its been to see our little group of friends completely rally together to get through this whole messy scary ordeal. Everyone seems to have their "job", to know when and where they're needed, and to know when to just be quiet and walk away. We're worried about my sick friend, but we're also worried about eachother... and I think we're somehow finding a good balance in managing all of this. Its pretty cool to see how this group has become such a tight cohesive functioning unit.... and it couldn't have happened at a better time.

scared.

tired.

overwhelmed.

shocked.

proud.

lucky.

So as anyone who reads this blog regularly knows, my best friend is really sick. She had her third radiation treatment tonight and hasn't stopped puking since. And the weekly blood tests they're doing aren't showing the results they had hoped for. Tonight, in between dry heaves, we talked and laughed about class and the endless stream of boys that seem to move in and out of her life. We talked about the results of her last blood test, which weren't especially good, and what this means for her. We talked about who knows how sick she is, how her family is dealing with it, how our friends are handling it.

Its not the thought of her not being here that really scares me, its the thought of everything she is going through. Its how sick she feels and awful she feels and how much her joints hurt and how she's coughing all the time. Its knowing that things will only get worse before they will get better, if they get better. I don't think I've even really thought about what it will be like if she's not here anymore yet... it seems to unreal. Maybe I'm just focusing on the here and now and what I can do to help her get through this or deal with it or whatever... Maybe its because we are together ALL DAY and talk on the phone several times a night and I just can't wrap my brain around the fact that things could be any different.... its too strange to even fathom. Maybe I'm just completely in denial.

I just got off the phone with my friend who just got home from her second (of eight) radiation treatments. She sounded awful. I don't think I was ready for that. I talked to her after her treatment on Monday and she seemed ok... she felt worn out and tired and a little woozy but nothing too bad. Tonight was very different. She still says she "feels ok" but she didn't SOUND ok, and knowing her, she will say anything to keep people from worrying about her. Do we really have to go through this six more times? And is it really going to get worse each time? I made sure that she knows to CALL ME if she needs ANYTHING... and I absolutely mean it. But I'm sitting here thinking... if she did call me, sick out of her mind, what would I do?? Its weird and scary to think about. I don't know how to do this.

So I've been sitting here for a little while now trying to compose something thoughtful and coherent and eloquent on the one thing in my life that seems to have consumed my thoughts (even more than the huge paper I'm working on) as of late: the fact that one of my very best friends is very very sick.

I blogged about it a few weeks ago. When I finished that post, I felt a little silly... like I was making a big deal out of something that would probably turn out to be nothing. But now, just a couple weeks later, the situation seems even more grim.

Our conversation topics have shifted from school gossip and politics and boys to school gossip and politics and boys.... and the fact that her future is very very uncertain at the moment. We no longer talk about puking as it relates to drinking, but instead as it relates to the radiation treatments she is starting next week. We've discussed the merits of when to tell a boy you just started seeing that you "will probably die soon".

When I wrote that post a few weeks ago, it was hard to believe she was really as sick as she said she was. How could someone who looked and acted so normal and healthy and energetic be so ill? But now, just a few weeks later, I've started noticing things that were'nt there before. For the first time, I can see the physical effects this disease is having on her. The chest pains she got last weekend while we were out, the way she gasps for air when laughing or talking.... its scary and painful to watch. I feel confused and helpless.... and at the same time very very inspired. Watching this friend of mine get up every morning and try to live life with some sort of normalcy while dealing with all this stuff that I can't even fathom certainly puts things into perspective. God, that sounds so cliche doesn't it?

I really don't know what to say in closing of this post and I'm not even sure this post will stay up. I haven't quite decided yet how to tackle this situation on my blog because while its something that is very much on my mind, I'm not sure that I want whats on my mind visible for the whole world to see. We'll see....