looking out the fishbowl.

at a loss for words

So I've been sitting here for a little while now trying to compose something thoughtful and coherent and eloquent on the one thing in my life that seems to have consumed my thoughts (even more than the huge paper I'm working on) as of late: the fact that one of my very best friends is very very sick.

I blogged about it a few weeks ago. When I finished that post, I felt a little silly... like I was making a big deal out of something that would probably turn out to be nothing. But now, just a couple weeks later, the situation seems even more grim.

Our conversation topics have shifted from school gossip and politics and boys to school gossip and politics and boys.... and the fact that her future is very very uncertain at the moment. We no longer talk about puking as it relates to drinking, but instead as it relates to the radiation treatments she is starting next week. We've discussed the merits of when to tell a boy you just started seeing that you "will probably die soon".

When I wrote that post a few weeks ago, it was hard to believe she was really as sick as she said she was. How could someone who looked and acted so normal and healthy and energetic be so ill? But now, just a few weeks later, I've started noticing things that were'nt there before. For the first time, I can see the physical effects this disease is having on her. The chest pains she got last weekend while we were out, the way she gasps for air when laughing or talking.... its scary and painful to watch. I feel confused and helpless.... and at the same time very very inspired. Watching this friend of mine get up every morning and try to live life with some sort of normalcy while dealing with all this stuff that I can't even fathom certainly puts things into perspective. God, that sounds so cliche doesn't it?

I really don't know what to say in closing of this post and I'm not even sure this post will stay up. I haven't quite decided yet how to tackle this situation on my blog because while its something that is very much on my mind, I'm not sure that I want whats on my mind visible for the whole world to see. We'll see....