looking out the fishbowl.

The ex-factor

I mentioned in my post earlier today that while I was out riding I ran into a friend of my ex-boyfriend. He told me that my ex had recently had surgery on a defective joint and when I got home I fired off an email to see how he was doing and wish him well.

This ex and I have quite a history together. On and off (bust mostly on) for two years or so. We went through some very scary stuff, shared some exciting "firsts", made some amazing memories, and in the end, made eachother cry more than a few times. Its been something like four or five years now since we broke up for the last time. We spent a while trying to be friends in the "hang out all the time" sense, which didn't quite work out. We spent some time not speaking at all and going to great lengths to avoid eachother (or maybe that was just me). And now we have this nice and comfortable unspoken arrangement by which every four or six or eight months one of us will send the other an email and the exchanges that follow will be cordial and genuine and possibly followed by coffee or a beer.

For a long time after we broke up, seeing him would make my heart jump and my stomach drop. It would leave me weak and shaken for days, and I'm not sure why. We stopped talking for a while, I think somewhat out of neccessity. I think we needed the distance and space that a clean break would provide. We were too good at getting drunk and physical and even when it didn't lead to anything sexual, the sexual tension was most certainly there. It was fun and exhilarating, and at times emotionally messy.

I don't have that same kind of reaction anymore. I admittedly probably have a stronger reaction to an email from him than I do from most people, but its usually short-lived and not especially intense. Our very casual relationship these days is purely platonic. When we get together there is no longer a feeling of sexual tension or frustration or wonder of what could have been. Now its just two people who shared a big part of eachother's lives for a little while catching up and staying in touch. Mostly we talk about cycling and coffee and sometimes a bit of the past. It makes me a bit nostalgic and very happy that someone who was a huge part of my becoming how and who I am in an intimate relationship and I are not out of eachother's lives completely. In a way, its comforting.

I've never understood those who say "I never want to talk to you again" ... and actually mean it. I've never wanted an ex gone forever. If someone was good enough, kind enough, smart enough, whatever enough to make you want to date them, why wouldn't you want to have them as your friend? I've been fortunate that the guys I've dated have all felt the same way. And I'm fortunate that my boyfriend now is comfortable and secure enough with our relationship to let me retain these friendships. Its not like I'm hoarding ex-boyfriends for future use... I just like to stay in touch.