January 2006 Archives

For a very long time (WAY pre-Maddie) I have been interested in getting involved with dog rescue, but of course, I don't exactly have the resources in terms of space or money to foster. I recently joined a lab message board, figuring my real life friends were getting sick of hearing about Maddie all the time. Well, this group is heavily involved in rescue and I find myself being quickly sucked in. At first I signed up to help with transport. They have a very active group that works to move rescue dogs from state to state if necessary. Then I saw a picture of a dog that completely stole my heart.

The dog is an adorable little chocolate lab in a high-kill shelter in Arkansas and her time was up quite a while ago. She has miraculously avoided being put down this long but her days are most certainly numbered. A lab rescue group in Arkansas was supposed to pick her up but they never did and her time at the shelter is drawing to an end. So I decided, in conjunction with a volunteer at the shelter, to see what I could do. I posted on our community message board, I contacted the rescue group we got Maddie from, as well as a few others in the area, I emailed my mom who emailed all her dog loving friends. I sat up the other night crying because I felt like the effort was completely futile. I woke up this morning to find my inbox full of offers from kind hearted souls to take her and give her a permanent home, or foster her until she could find one. My day has been a flurry of emailing back and forth and trying to get this organized. I've learned a lot about how the rescue groups work, the requirements for fostering, etc. I've also learned how absolutely heartbreaking and totally rewarding this work can be.

Nothing has been firmed up yet, but the wonderful volunteer worker in Arkansas and I have been working our butts off for this little girl, and I'm starting to think we just may be able to get her out of there in time. I'm hoping she will be on her way to Looneyville in the next few days.

I feel a bit guilty pouring so much effort and energy into a dog seven hours away when I know there are dogs in similar situations right here. But for some reason this little girl stole my heart. I'll keep you updated on her progress.

This is the little girl we're trying to save:

I talked to my dad today about my PR grade. I wasn't afraid that he would be mad (I mean ... what would he do ... ground me?) but I was afraid he would be disappointed. I should have given him more credit. He was very calm and very supportive and very "I'm still proud of you!" and I just feel sooo much better now!

Then, my mom and I had the following conversation:

Me: I've never failed anything in my life!!

My mom: That's not true! You failed your driving test!

Me: *laughing* I guess that's true ...

My mom: And I'm sure you'll fail something again in the future ... you DO have to take the BAR!

Uh ... thanks mom! ;)

Despite my "I'm gonna kick law school squarely in the ass" post from earlier today, I am filled with doubt. I have never felt so inadequate as a student in my life.

Its not just the F, which I have come to realize was absolutely ridiculous in light of 1/3rd of the class failing. Its that the rest of my grades aren't great either. I work my ass off ... for C+'s and a couple B's??? Every semester, the same thing. My neighbor today told me that he "only" got two A's this semester. I wanted to cry.

I feel like such a failure. Like maybe I'm not smart enough for this. There were times in college that I didn't do as well as I would have liked, but that was because of my own lack of focus. I don't think thats the case here. I think thats part of why I'm so frustrated - because I feel like, no matter what I do, I'm not going to do well. And I know thats a terrible attitude to have.

I was told before coming to law school that one of the hardest things new law students deal with is the fact that they were at the top of their undergrad classes, and all of a sudden they are competing with all these people who were also at the top of their undergrad classes. That people who got A's and B's without really having to work for it would get B's and C's in law school, despite an enormous amount of effort.

Last year it didn't phase me. I swore when I started law school that I wouldn't let the competitive nature of the whole experience get to me, but I'm being sucked in. Big time. And I hate it. I hate feeling like my worth is lower because my GPA is. I know this mentality is ridiculous. Intellectually, I realize that I'm surrounded by smart people, and I realize that I am one of them. But I don't feel that way.

And it goes beyond the GPA. I worry that my lackluster grades indicate a future as a lackluster lawyer. Someday I am going to be representing clients - and if my rank in law school is any indication, I probably won't be all that good at it. I know people say that the practice of law is very different from law school, but at the moment I'm having a hard time believing it. Maybe I'm just not smart enough.

Why am I so freaked out right now?? Everyone says law school gets so much easier and that the stress level drops dramatically in your second year. But for me, right now, its just the opposite.

I don't know. I've got a bit of a cold at the moment. Maybe thats where all this negativity is coming from. Maybe not. This is the first time I've ever really considered leaving law school (don't worry, I'm not).

We just got an email from the registrar saying new rankings would be posted after the rest of the profs got their grades in ... and after some grades are changed.

I've never heard of law school grades (at least at my school) being changed after the fact. Maybe there's hope ....

Update: The grades being changed are not for our class, but for a class that apparently received all B+'s, out of compliance with the curve. Some people's grades are going to go down. Sucky. As for my class, the rumor (from another faculty member) is that the dude that taught my PR class was called into the dean's office and asked to change the grades. He said no.

To tell you the truth, this whole F thing has certainly put a damper on my ability to enjoy my winter break. I just don’t feel like I deserve to sit back and relax. Like I didn’t earn it. I know this whole thing is ridiculous, and I know that there are 19 other people that are in my boat and sometimes that makes it easier, but sometimes it doesn’t. One thing’s for sure tho – they better watch out next semester.

There is no better way to get me fired up than to tell me I can’t do something. Or to tell me that the odds are against me. Or that I’m too stupid/slow/whatever. Maybe this F is just what I needed to spark the fire that will push me farther. I know that’s how I work.

There are many examples of when this has happened in my life, but my favorite comes from my first Ironman experience.

The boyfriend and I arrived in Madison a few days before the race. As we wandered around town amidst 2,000 of the fittest people I had ever seen, I couldn’t help but feel terribly inadequate. In any other crowd, I was of completely average size – in this crowd, I felt like a whale. The boyfriend, on the other hand, has the naturally lean build of a triathlete, regardless of how much training he did or how much beer he drank. I tried desperately to ignore the fact that, all week, my fellow competitors were wishing him luck, not me. Its like it never crossed their mind that *I* could be the one that was racing.

The day before any Ironman, but especially your first, is incredibly nerve-wracking. Your emotions are on overdrive and just about anything can set you off. Yet another person wished the boyfriend luck and he turned to me, completely innocently, and said “everyone thinks I’m the one who is racing!”. I instantly began sobbing. What the hell was I doing here with all these people?? Noone even thinks I can do this!

Once I was able to calm down, I decided I would prove them all wrong, and I did. There were many many times on race day, when I was having a blast, that I thought of all those people who never thought I would be the one out there.

These days, I’m quite a bit leaner and blend into the Ironman crowd much better, and when we go to races, I get just as many “good luck”s as the boyfriend. And that alone feels really really good. But I always remember that first race and how good it felt to prove all those people wrong.

Ten bucks says this coming semester will be my best yet.