December 2005 Archives

I just realized that my last post was about my PR grade and then I mysteriously disappeared for a week or two. Don't worry, I haven't jumped ship just yet!

I'm still not happy about the grade, but am learning to live with it. My first thought when I saw it (after there is NO way) is that I am obviously way too stupid for this profession. Then I thought about it more and realized that a failing grade in PR, of all classes, is not an indication of stupidity. I am still waiting on one last grade, but the rest of my grades for the semester have been pretty much right along the average with the rest of my law school grades, which is to say, pretty much average for law school. Fortunately, in the grand scheme of things, my F in PR won't drop my GPA or rank all that much once I pile three more semesters onto the three I have already completed. Trying to look for a silver lining. Thank god it was only a two hour class.

Christmas was pretty great. Spent Christmas Eve in Omaha with the extended family and Christmas day at home with just my parents. We went and saw The Chronicles of Narnia and ate ahi tuna for dinner. The day after Christmas I flew out to Minnesnowta to hang with the boyfriend's family for a couple days. I wasn't especially looking forward to the trip but it went fine. His family is very warm and welcoming ... if a little smokey.

The most traumatic part of this whole Christmas experience was having to leave the Maddie dog behind. If everyone in the family brought their dogs to Christmas Eve, there would have been six dogs crammed into my grandparents' little house. They decided this was too much, and everyone had to leave their dogs at home. For Maddie and my parents' two dogs, this meant a trip to the kennel. We weren't even gone overnight, but because of the kennel's screwy holiday hours, she had to be locked up for two nights! So we were home Christmas day, and all three dogs were locked up for no reason! My parents and I speculated as to how we were supposed to really enjoy Christmas when half the family was in the slammer?! We survived.

While I was in Minnesota, Maddie stayed with my parents. I'm pretty sure she didn't want to come home. My parents have a huge house and two big and playful and friendly labs. The three dogs had a blast together. I called my parents a couple times a day to check on my girl and every time they hinted that they might not give her back! They just loved her!

Now I'm home and trying to get my life back in order after the holidays. I'm now six months out from IM CDA so its time to really start training. This is where things start to get hectic!

Hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas!

Over winter break, any semblance of normalcy or rhythm to my day falls by the wayside. I have no motivation to get up at a normal hour and no motivation to stay up for long. And all of this makes falling asleep difficult which makes me sleep even later. Its a vicious cycle.

This morning, for instance, the mutt and I rolled out of bed at 10 a.m. I realized I was out of milk and couldn't make coffee without it, so I took a 10 minute trip to the store to get milk. Came home, made coffee and curled up in bed with the mutt to read for a while. At noon, I put the book down and the mutt and I took a fantastic siesta ... that lasted two and a half hours. And now, its 3:00, I'm about to make more coffee (mmm ... coffee ....) and I KNOW I will not fall asleep tonight!

Ah well, such is life without responsibilities!

I just finished my final final of my third semester of law school, which means I am precisely half way done. Crazy huh??

But more than ever, I am filled with doubt. Not doubt about what I want to do with my life, because as of right now, I'm pretty content with my decision. But doubt as to whether or not I actually can do this.

I'm feeling like a bit of a fraud at the moment.

My last final was a take home final for my environmental law class. It was really really difficult. I worked my ass off on it and am still not entirely happy with how it came out. And to make matters worse, I feel like there is so much pressure on this one.

A friend of mine who is in the class and I were discussing the difficulty of this final and she said "Well, if the EPA intern thinks its this hard, I feel a little better!" All of a sudden it was like "WHOAH! I'm *supposed* to be able to understand this aren't I? This is not some obscure subject that I will never use again! This is the real deal!" What if I do terrible on the final?

A few months ago I was talking to one of my professors from undergrad who did the lawyer thing for quite a while before moving into academia. He said "You were always a really great student ... " And I thought "How did I convince him of that?". When I was talking to the EPA dude when he called and said they were going to offer me an internship he said "We interviewed a lot of people ... and you were one of the best!". I feel like I've set him up for disappointment.

I don't know. Maybe I'm expecting too much of myself at this point in time. I just have a very very hard time accepting the fact that I am now half way through law school and suddenly have all these expectations. I've learned a lot in the last year and a half ... but have I learned enough?

Maybe this is normal for someone in my position, who is preparing to leave the world of higher education and jump into the "real" world. I don't know. Its just hard to see myself in that position right now.

Or maybe I'm just crabby because I haven't gotten much sleep.

I took a break this afternoon from studying to clean up the toxic waste site that my bedroom becomes during finals. I was digging through a drawer when I came across an old looking manila envelope that I didn't remember being there. I opened it up and found a treasure chest of old memories. It was stuff that was on my bulletin board in the house I grew up in in Florida. When we moved to the midwest when I was a senior in high school, I packed it all up into an envelope and apparently forgot about it. Here's some of the more interesting contents:

*a birthday card made for me by my high school boyfriend's little sister - complete with glitter and construction paper hearts

*postcards from one of my best friends from when he left to join the Coast Guard. The postcards are pictures of the boat he was on and you could tell by the writing on the back how excited he was.

*pictures from my junior prom

*photo booth pictures of me and my swimming pals, circa sophomore year of h.s.

*pictures from my first trip to YMCA Nationals - I was 12.

*ticket stubs from the FL High School state meets

*one of those little cards that comes on flowers from my club swim coach wishing me luck at H.S. State's and reminding me to bend my knees when I swim fly

*a picture of my high school friends and I all gussied up - about to go to the fancy shmancy graduation party for the class ahead of us

*a ticket stub from my first open water race - this one is really interesting to me. I was sort of forced into doing this 4k open water swim race in the ski lagoon at Sea World. I initially wasn't too enthused about it but then I fell in LOVE with open water swimming. I first got into triathlons as a way to do more open water swimming. That ticket stub, and the event that it represents, may have played a big part in getting me where I am now.

One of the last things I came across was a picture from my new high school (that I was only at for senior year) in Kansas City. I couldn't figure out how it made it in with all this stuff from my life in Florida. And then I realized that it was there from the visit that we had taken to Kansas before actually moving, when I visited my new school. I love how that one picture indicates the change that was to come ... which eventually led me to where I am now.

So I'm working on this take home final for my Environmental Law class and it's really sorta stressing me out. I'm not one who usually gets all worked up about finals, but this one is different. This one involves exactly what I want to do - I feel like I have to do well.

Every other case is "so and so sued the EPA" or vice versa and I keep thinking "I'm going to be working there this summer! I better know my sh*t!"

I very often in the past have talked myself out of being stressed about something by thinking "I'm NEVER going to use this!" - but now, all this stuff seems very relevant!

Maddie had her first snow experience today ....

It doesn't get much cuter than this folks!

More adorable puppy pics here!

The dog is completely housebroken but she never asks to go outside. We take her out first thing in the morning and she does her business, and then, if we are being especially forgetful or preoccupied, she won't go out again till dinner time (or till someone thinks "the dog hasn't gone out in umm ... 12 hours!"). Its not that we have an aversion to taking her out, its just that she is soooo low maintenance and mellow that we sometimes forget. I wonder how much time she spends really having to pee.

Anyway, tonight, an hour or two aftering having gone out last she started acting really weird. She was nervous and restless and running from window to window and panting. The coyotes were howling outside, so we thought maybe that was what had gotten her all worked up. We gave her water, put her in her kennel where she feels super secure, gave her treats ... nothing seemed to calm her down. We didn't think that maybe she needed to go out since she had just been out not long before.

All of a sudden the boyfriend says to me "Come here RIGHT NOW!" and I rush into the living room to see the poor mutt squatting in the corner relieving herself of a massive and very nasty pile of poo. Not to be too graphic but this was some pretty gross stuff.

The boyfriend grabbed the dog and took her outside while I started a clean up project of epic proportions. When the boyfriend and the dog returned from outside, the boyfriend could barely breathe. He attempted to help clean up the poo but couldn't do so without gagging ... while I was on my hands and knees cleaning up the mess.

Does anyone else see something wrong with this picture????

To the boyfriend's credit, in the end, he did a good job of forcing himself to clean up at least a small part of the mess.

To the dog's credit, (and NONE of this was the dog's fault! - stupid owners!), she actually attempted to make her deposit IN a planter that was sitting in the corner!! She must have figured that it was the closest thing in the apartment to grass and aimed for it. She actually landed a good bit of it in the planter, but the rest landed on the carpet.

And now that I have thoroughly ruined your supper, I am going to bed.

Now that the cat's outta the bag, I just wanted to publicly say CONGRATULATIONS to Ms. Smacca in Alaska who just got ENGAGED!

*sniff* My little girl is all grown up ....

A few changes of heart:

Regarding the parking ticket: Now that I have calmed down about the whole thing, I have decided to just suck it up and pay double the fine to have it removed from my record. I'm still not sure whether or not I actually ran the damn stop sign but I'd rather just pay the money and forget the whole thing even happened. No court for me.

Regarding my Kona aspirations: I have decided to put that on the backburner for a while. I'm NOT saying that I am not going to continue to train and race. In fact, I'm still planning on stepping up my game a bit this year and I still have some big improvements I'd like to make before June. But to do what it would take to qualify (in the next several years) would take a major lifestyle shift for me, and I'm just not ready to be that dedicated. I have so much going on right now, so many other wonderful things, why pile on all the extra pressure? Its just not the right time for me to be that focused, maybe someday it will be. Kona ain't going anywhere and I've got all the time in the world to qualify. I'm not giving myself an excuse to slack (I've still got my eye on smashing the boyfriend's Ironman PR this summer!), I'm just making a conscious decision on where to spend my energy.

Do not take life so seriously, no one will make it out alive!

What is it about law school that makes seemingly sane people completely lose their minds?

Finals time is upon us once again and the tension level at school has risen about three knotches. I'm not really feeling the heat this time around. I'm not sure if its because I have less classes than before, because I don't feel as far behind as usual, or because I have managed to procure summer employment and now feel that my grades are not quite as important, but I'm just not stressed out. Sure, I will study hard and want to do well, but I'm not going to lose my mind over it. Its not worth it.

The same cannot be said for everyone.

I was sitting next to a good (altho somewhat drifting) friend of mine yesterday in Con Law. This friend is in the top 10% of the class. He's smart, dedicated, and has a very bright future ahead of him. I heard him sigh deeply and looked over to see him about to descend into a panic, at which point I asked what was wrong. He said he's totally going to fail his finals and whats the point of studying since he will never get a job. I feigned concern and asked why he was so worried, to which he responded "Well,I haven't been studying as hard as last year and I know I'm not prepared and ...".

But here's the thing. The guy studies. A lot. He always comes to class. He always pays attention in class. Based on his prior grades (almost entirely A's and B+'s) he obviously knows how to take law school finals (which I'm convinced is half the battle). What the hell is he worried about?

The guy I sit next to in another class, the stereotypical gunner who asks no less than 10-15 questions per lecture, snapped at me this morning. He asked yet another question and the professor looked somewhat annoyed and baffled and gave him an answer. Then someone else asked a question to which he responded "Good question!" Gunner dude next to me looks over and says "He never says that to me!". I jokingly say to him "well maybe that tells you something eh?" and he looks seriously hurt. He says "I've figured you out! You say things jokingly but you really mean it!" ... I like the guy and honest to god WAS kidding when I said it. He proceded to pout for the rest of class. We're friends and often joke about this sort of thing. Why the temper tantrum today?

This can only be explained by pre-finals madness. Or a serious lack of coffee.

Everyday on my way to class I pass through a busy-ish four-way stop on campus. This stop sign is right by the dorms and I sit there and shake my head as college students on expensive mountain bikes (that will never see a mile of singletrack) absolutely FLY through the stop sign without so much as a glance at oncoming traffic, let alone something even remotely resembling a stop.

Today on my way home from class, shortly after passing through said stop sign, I look in my rearview mirror to see flashing lights.

I pull over and the cop says in a VERY condescending tone "uh ... there was a stop sign back there" - to which I say "yeah, I know" and he says, "well I was parked behind a bus and I saw you run it - can I have your license and proof of insurance?". Crap.

Here's the thing, I am not 100% sure that I didn't run the stop sign. I mean, I don't particularly remember stopping today, but I KNOW that I habitually stop at the sign. Why would I have ran it TODAY?

I'm considering appealing the ticket for a couple reasons. I'm reasonably certain that I did indeed stop at the stop sign and I'd rather not have to pay the fine (not to mention the potential damage to my driving record!). The fact that this particular cop was pretty much a jerk to me fuels the fire even more. And I have to admit that part of me thinks it would be a little fun to appear in municipal court and argue my case (Is that weird?).

I don't know that I have much to lose.

The thing is - is it unethical to show up and argue that you didn't run the stop sign when you are only 90% sure that you stopped?