its the suffering

So as anyone who reads this blog regularly knows, my best friend is really sick. She had her third radiation treatment tonight and hasn't stopped puking since. And the weekly blood tests they're doing aren't showing the results they had hoped for. Tonight, in between dry heaves, we talked and laughed about class and the endless stream of boys that seem to move in and out of her life. We talked about the results of her last blood test, which weren't especially good, and what this means for her. We talked about who knows how sick she is, how her family is dealing with it, how our friends are handling it.

Its not the thought of her not being here that really scares me, its the thought of everything she is going through. Its how sick she feels and awful she feels and how much her joints hurt and how she's coughing all the time. Its knowing that things will only get worse before they will get better, if they get better. I don't think I've even really thought about what it will be like if she's not here anymore yet... it seems to unreal. Maybe I'm just focusing on the here and now and what I can do to help her get through this or deal with it or whatever... Maybe its because we are together ALL DAY and talk on the phone several times a night and I just can't wrap my brain around the fact that things could be any different.... its too strange to even fathom. Maybe I'm just completely in denial.