April 2005 Archives

So I noticed last week that I've been having problems with achyness on the left side of my body. Funny that I say "noticed" like this pain just occurred to me one day. In reality, it shoved its way into my realm of consciousness in the form of a very sore ass during my long ride last week. At mile 35 my bum started to ache and it was a loooong slog home. Did a little research and concluded that it was due to a tight piriformis muscle putting a little too much pressure on that big old fat nerve that runs into your leg. Ouch.

Rested for a few days and the bum pain seems to be gone (altho we'll find out if this is really true when I attempt to do my long ride tomorrow morning) but I've noticed that the muscles in that hip are sore. Not just "hmm... my hip is kind of tight sore" but "wtf am I doing to make the muscles around my hip hurt so bloody much?!" sore. Then I noticed last night during my swim that my shoulder on that side is also a little tight. Nothing too painful and god knows I suffered thru enough shoulder injuries in my swimming days to know that I can deal with this, but just something to make you go "hmmmm...".

Last night I tried to sleep on my other side and woke up noticing that all these various joints felt just a tad better.... so maybe there's something to that....

Along with the whole sick friend thing, this week I seem to have found myself putting a significant amount of time and energy into helping someone with an absolutely hellish situation they are facing in their life. She's understandably a wreck and I seem to be the one attempting to help her pick up the pieces.

This was all fine and good when it was just one or two days of big drama. But now, its continuing far longer than I can really handle. Its really starting to take its toll on me. I'm not sleeping well, I'm not getting the stuff done that I need to get done, I've missed a couple classes. And its happening at the worst possible time with finals starting next week and Ironman training needing to be at its peak.

So what do I do? I've told this person that I would always be there for her, to call me any time, to come over whenever she needs to... and I can't very well rescind that offer, but STILL. What she is going thru is miserable and I understand why she doesn't want to be alone, and it seems very very unfair that there should be some sort of statute of limitations on my patience and willingness to push all other things aside to help her out.

No less than three people in my life have said to me in the last couple weeks "I'm worried about you - you need to take care of YOURSELF" first. And I know that. But really - how do you say no?

[Edited: A couple days later and I have managed to get major sleep, get a ton of studying done, and get back on the training wagon. Life seems to be settling back in to normal. Yay boundaries.]

So I was sitting in property daydreaming the other day when I noticed that the girl sitting next to me was perusing a popular law school blog. There were several links on the blog to other law school blogs which of course linked to other law school blogs. I sat there wondering how it would feel if I looked up in class and noticed the person on the laptop in front of me surfing my blog. I don't like that idea.

I've been toying with the idea of maybe, just maybe, removing the "law student" tag from my blog. When I started this blog over a year ago now, I did it with the idea that it would be about my law school experience. But the truth is, its more about my life, with law school as the occaisional backdrop. How different would this blog be if I was just a random grad student? If my subject of study were non-specified? Would it allow me to be more honest? More open? More candid? Or would it take something away?

Its something to ponder and no big changes will be made any time soon.

Looneyville celebrated the end of Pride Week with three nights of the theatrical production of Hedwig and the Angry Inch at a little theatre downtown. I had heard of the production before, but only vaguely knew what it was about. Turns out it was a both hilarious and saddening tale of a botched sex change operation and the search for lost love. There was all sorts of gender bending going on in the show (and the audience for that matter...) and after the week I had, the chance to slip away into this crazy and boisterous and flamboyant world was very much welcomed. The guy who played Hedwig was amazing - tall and lanky with a waist much better than my own and stage presence to match. He was funny and charismatic and really really fun to watch. The woman who played Hedwig's current husband/former drag queen (did you follow that?) had an amazing voice and looked just a little bit like Silent Bob when she was all man'ed up. The band was great and the music was catchy (which reminded me that I should resurrect my favorite soundtrack ever...) and fun. This was all followed by a glass or two of wine at a friend's house which rounded out a fantastic evening.

Gay men love my boyfriend. In a way, I'm not surprised because I kind of feel like everyone should love my boyfriend! He's sweet and caring and kind and genuine and absolutely adorable - who wouldn't love him? But he seems to attract members of the same sex at a much greater than expected rate. I asked my dear friend B., whose boyfriend has a big crush on my boyfriend, why this is. He said its because "he's a hot straight guy who is obviously comfortable with his sexuality and is not an asshole". Perhaps its wanting the unattainable? I mean, who is more unattainable to a gay man than a straight guy who is in a very serious relationship with a woman?

I find this all rather humorous, and fortunately, I think he does too.

I'm flat out, completely, 100% exhausted today. Both physically and mentally. The proverbial shit hit the fan yesterday in a huge way that I really can't blog about. Lets just say that it was a long day and a late night and my heart is absolutely breaking for my friend who has found herself in a confusing and painful and incredibly incredibly sticky situation.

I woke up this morning not sure whether I just wanted to pull the covers back over my head and sleep the next few days away or get up and try to conquer the world. I went with the conquer the world option, but my bed is still trying to lure me back to it. Unfortunately, even if I went to bed I couldn't turn off my brain - so I'm up and moving and trying to be a productive member of society. We'll see how that goes.

One of the things that struck me last night as the boytoy and I laid in bed talking about all this is just how great its been to see our little group of friends completely rally together to get through this whole messy scary ordeal. Everyone seems to have their "job", to know when and where they're needed, and to know when to just be quiet and walk away. We're worried about my sick friend, but we're also worried about eachother... and I think we're somehow finding a good balance in managing all of this. Its pretty cool to see how this group has become such a tight cohesive functioning unit.... and it couldn't have happened at a better time.

scared.

tired.

overwhelmed.

shocked.

proud.

lucky.

Its really too bad that my excellent weekend has been overshadowed by all the other drama going on. I really did have a good weekend, and maybe tomorrow I will tell you about it. I have all sorts of stories to tell you. Some good (great 80 mile ride/30 minute run yesterday), some not good at the time but funny to relive (projectile from school bus leaves bruise on boob!), some just random musings on how grown up I am becoming (I have to buy a SUIT tomorrow!). All a whole lot more fun to read about then the subject matter that seems to be overtaking this blog right now.... but alas, such is life.

And now, I sleep. Or try to.

So as anyone who reads this blog regularly knows, my best friend is really sick. She had her third radiation treatment tonight and hasn't stopped puking since. And the weekly blood tests they're doing aren't showing the results they had hoped for. Tonight, in between dry heaves, we talked and laughed about class and the endless stream of boys that seem to move in and out of her life. We talked about the results of her last blood test, which weren't especially good, and what this means for her. We talked about who knows how sick she is, how her family is dealing with it, how our friends are handling it.

Its not the thought of her not being here that really scares me, its the thought of everything she is going through. Its how sick she feels and awful she feels and how much her joints hurt and how she's coughing all the time. Its knowing that things will only get worse before they will get better, if they get better. I don't think I've even really thought about what it will be like if she's not here anymore yet... it seems to unreal. Maybe I'm just focusing on the here and now and what I can do to help her get through this or deal with it or whatever... Maybe its because we are together ALL DAY and talk on the phone several times a night and I just can't wrap my brain around the fact that things could be any different.... its too strange to even fathom. Maybe I'm just completely in denial.

Making fun of tax night.

I just got off the phone with my friend who just got home from her second (of eight) radiation treatments. She sounded awful. I don't think I was ready for that. I talked to her after her treatment on Monday and she seemed ok... she felt worn out and tired and a little woozy but nothing too bad. Tonight was very different. She still says she "feels ok" but she didn't SOUND ok, and knowing her, she will say anything to keep people from worrying about her. Do we really have to go through this six more times? And is it really going to get worse each time? I made sure that she knows to CALL ME if she needs ANYTHING... and I absolutely mean it. But I'm sitting here thinking... if she did call me, sick out of her mind, what would I do?? Its weird and scary to think about. I don't know how to do this.

Call me a geek, but I get all giddy when I run into professors outside of class. I get even more excited when I run into them on what feels like my turf.

The first time this happened was around this time last year, at this big relay type run. At the celebration afterwards I came across one of my favorite professors from undergrad (whose career trajectory I very much see myself possibly following...). We were both sipping on a beer and reveling in the post run glow (please note that he had run 17 miles to my piddly 5). We chatted about triathlon and running and the law school recommendation I had him write for me. I introduced him to my boyfriend. Then, a few months ago, while on my way back in from a training ride, I ran into another one of my professors from undergrad. It wasn't quite as strange seeing this one in a non-school setting because this class actually met pretty much everywhere except at school (including the local brewery and my favorite coffee shop). He was on a road bike and on his way out for 20 or so miles. We chatted for a while about school and biking and what kind of wheels I had.

But I think the best yet was when I ran into one of my favorite professors from law school at the pool yesterday. I was there training and having my picture taken for this and she was dropping her daughter off for swim practice. This is the same professor who didn't let me into the clinic I so desperately wanted to do next year and it felt just a little bit cool running into her in the place I felt at home. It was even better today when she asked me what I was doing at the pool and my friend handed her the newspaper article... she read it over real quick and was like "wow... really?!". It was surprisingly satisfying from the woman who rejected me.

ok, so the boytoy had a disappointing experience at his marathon this weekend, my best friend is starting radiation tomorrow, and my other best friend just broke up with his boyfriend of six years.... is there some sort of crazy alignment of the stars out there tonight?

aside from the near puking incident yesterday, *I* have no real drama to report....

Lesson learned Friday night: An early dinner + two birth control pills at once (forgot to take one the day before) + two glasses of wine = a VERY sick girl in the morning.

I am absolutely terribly morbidly afraid of puking. Most people will say they "don't like it" or even "hate it" but this goes way beyond that. I go into full panic attack mode if I think its going to happen, which in reality is ridiculous because it never actually does happen for me. The last time I threw up was in 7th grade. And the time before that was in kindergarten. Pretty impressive if you think that I made it all the way through high school, six years of college (yeah... six) and one year of law school... I'm hoping to still be puke-free when I get my J.D. Keep in mind that throughout these past 12 years I've done many many things that would induce vomiting in someone with a weaker stomach... several years of competitive kick-your-ass swimming, a couple years of heavy drinking in college, and three seasons of Ironman. If nothing else, I have an iron tummy.

Saturday morning was the closest I've come in probably 5 or 6 years to breaking my streak. I sat on the floor in the bathroom fighting the gag reflex and trying not to completely freaked out while the boyfriend looked on, completely baffled. He just doesn't get this phobia. Fortunately, I have many neurotic friends who DO understand.

This was probably way more information than you needed, but so far, its the biggest thing that happened this weekend.... (besides turning in the hardest. paper. ever.)

So I've been working for the last several weeks on this semester's version of the BigScary. I don't feel like I'm making any sense, like my arguments are completely baseless, and like I still don't understand what the hell is supposed to go into a motion for summary judgement. Based on the fact that I've never seen everyone at school so stressed out, I'm guessing this feeling is pretty mutual.

If there's one thing that I find comfort in with this hellacious assignment, its the fact that its due in less than 48 hours, at which point it will be out of my hands and I will have a blissful afternoon to spend not thinking about anything law related. And then Saturday morning its back to the grind.

So I've been sitting here for a little while now trying to compose something thoughtful and coherent and eloquent on the one thing in my life that seems to have consumed my thoughts (even more than the huge paper I'm working on) as of late: the fact that one of my very best friends is very very sick.

I blogged about it a few weeks ago. When I finished that post, I felt a little silly... like I was making a big deal out of something that would probably turn out to be nothing. But now, just a couple weeks later, the situation seems even more grim.

Our conversation topics have shifted from school gossip and politics and boys to school gossip and politics and boys.... and the fact that her future is very very uncertain at the moment. We no longer talk about puking as it relates to drinking, but instead as it relates to the radiation treatments she is starting next week. We've discussed the merits of when to tell a boy you just started seeing that you "will probably die soon".

When I wrote that post a few weeks ago, it was hard to believe she was really as sick as she said she was. How could someone who looked and acted so normal and healthy and energetic be so ill? But now, just a few weeks later, I've started noticing things that were'nt there before. For the first time, I can see the physical effects this disease is having on her. The chest pains she got last weekend while we were out, the way she gasps for air when laughing or talking.... its scary and painful to watch. I feel confused and helpless.... and at the same time very very inspired. Watching this friend of mine get up every morning and try to live life with some sort of normalcy while dealing with all this stuff that I can't even fathom certainly puts things into perspective. God, that sounds so cliche doesn't it?

I really don't know what to say in closing of this post and I'm not even sure this post will stay up. I haven't quite decided yet how to tackle this situation on my blog because while its something that is very much on my mind, I'm not sure that I want whats on my mind visible for the whole world to see. We'll see....