February 2005 Archives

I somehow managed to procure (hell yeah I've got hook-ups!) two tickets to what is being considered the most important home basketball game of the regular season. In this basketball crazy town, tickets to this game have been rumored to be selling for 800 bucks a pop. Our tickets are in Row 1.

With the paper I'm still working on, and an hour and a half run to do tonight its sooooooooooo tempting to see how much we could get for them....

The high I was feeling after my successful ride this afternoon quickly evaporated when I read on TNO this evening that Ironman legend Randy Caddell had been killed during a training session in Kailua-Kona. In the car vs. bike (or in this case, handcycle) battle, its a rare day that the bike wins.

I never had the honor of meeting Randy, and in reality, don't know much about his life, including how he ended up in a wheelchair. I do know he's completed a whole bunch of Ironmans (including brutally hot and windy Hawaii, and the Lake Placid course that was murder on my legs)... using just his arms. And I know that he's a huge inspiration to a whole lot of people in this sport, and not just those in the PC division.

The image that sticks out in my mind of him comes from the Ironman USA athlete videos (watch them here) ... the cameraman catches him on the bike and they have a little chat.... the cameraman presumably asks him why he does Ironman and his response is something like...

"People always ask me why I do it... I do it because I believe that breathing is healing... and I'm out here healing myself!"

I don't know why, but this has hit me hard...

RIP Randy.

Edit: Here is his website.

Around noon today I said to myself "Self, stop being such a damn wuss! Its a beautiful day and you're training for a bloody Ironman! I don't care how awful you feel, get your ass out the door and onto the bike!" And thats exactly what I did.

There was a gentle (by our standards) wind coming out of the East. The sun peaked out from behind the clouds every once in a while, but for the most part it was cloudy. I even got sprinkled on for a couple minutes.

I was fortunate enough this time to have the tailwind on the way home. Miles 40 - 60 found me flying past beautiful farmland with minimal effort. I couldn't help but smile and feel really, really happy that I didn't let this cold get me down. I found myself literally singing out loud (for some reason Franklin's Tower was in my head - not sure why, haven't listened to the Dead in forever) on the way home. It was a glorious day.... one of those days where everything on the ride just seems to go right*. Traffic was incredibly light (way out in the country I saw a car MAYBE every ten minutes), the wildlife was out in full force (lots and lots of hawks, the first snakes of the season), saw a lot of dogs... and got chased by none, even shared a laugh with an old farmer as his son tried, without much success, to back their enormous horse trailer into the driveway ("student drivers!" he said)!

The ride ended up being exactly 60 miles with a little 15 minute transition run tacked on at the end. I picked up a burrito on the way home, quickly devoured it, took a bath, and sat down to write my paper (due Monday....!!)... and it was at that point that I remembered that I'm sick as a dawg.

Now, I feel really really bad and bed is far more tempting than writing my preliminary injunction. Maybe riding wasn't the smartest thing to do today... but it was totally worth it.

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* Ok, so I might have gotten caught with my pants down by an unsuspecting mortorist whilst taking a pit stop (sexy, I know) in the bushes on the side of the road... hopefully whoever was in the car appreciates cheap thrills....

I woke up this morning excited for a long ride on a beautiful 60 degree day. My excitement quickly waned when I realized I felt like absolute crap and, as of 7:30 a.m., it was only 33 degrees out.

Its still supposed to get near 60 today, but I'm not sure that I will be able to drag this lazy carcass out onto the road. I'm still planning on getting my ride in, which might mean a long long time on the trainer tonight. I just don't feel up to dealing with traffic and wind and chillyness with a head full of snot (sorry), a developing cough, and a congested chest. I'm a wuss, I can admit it.

On Sunday I headed out for what would be my first long-ish ride outside this season. My longest ride on the road thus far this year has probably been around thirty miles, thanks to winter and my being a wuss when it comes to riding in the cold. I've put in a considerable amount of time on the trainer, but if I could estimate "miles" for my longest trainer ride, it would probably only fall around 40. My goal for Sunday was 50. I figured I'd feel awful by the end.

The temperature was in the 50s but the air was damp, the sun was nowhere to be seen, and there was a strong wind coming out of the west, so it wasn't exactly warm. Still, for mid-February, I had no grounds to complain.

I missed a turn and my 45-50 mile ride ended up being 56 miles when all was said and done, with the last 20 or so being straight into that nasty wind. By the time I got off the bike I was cold and exhausted from the constant noise of wind in my ears, but the legs? The legs felt great. If I had more daylight and willpower I could have easily gone farther.

When did 56 miles, at the beginning of the season, become "not too long"??? I remember doing my first 45 mile ride, three or four years ago. It seemed endless. Had I not so far to go, I probably would have gotten off my bike and literally crawled home. I expect 56 miles to feel relatively short at the end of the season, not when its my first real ride outside.

I think this was the first time it became apparent that I actually have evolved as a cyclist. I expect to see improvement over the course of a season... thats the whole point of training right? But I wasn't expecting to see this progression on such a macro scale. I never expected 56 miles to seem a little time consuming, but not exactly "long".

I certainly didn't set any speed records (nor was I trying to), but it was a huge boost of confidence for me.

On a related note, upon arriving home I found that the wonderful boyfriend (who knew I was more than a little chilly) had drawn a hot bath for me, made me a cup of hot tea, cranked up the heat in the apartment, and had dinner waiting on the table. He's the greatest.

I realized in writing my last post that I talk about a whole lot of stuff.. and that rarely do I go into any great depth about my boyfriend or our relationship. And I fear I am giving you, dear readers, the wrong impression.

This is what you should know:

He is the biggest, most important thing in my life right now. Bigger than law school, more important than Ironman. I don't talk much about him or our relationship here because its something I'm very protective of.

Those of you who know us well, or have read this blog for a while* know that we have had some big ups and downs over the years. Things with us are really really great these days, and have been for a while. There are things we are still actively working on, but they are getting better and better all the time. There is stuff I wish I could blog about, stuff that he's given me permission to blog about, but I'm just not comfortable with it. We're far too much a work in progress. Thats what my actual pen-to-paper journal is for.

The fact that I don't talk much about him here is very much by design.
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* don't bother going back and looking for the posts I'm alluding to - they have long since been deleted

I blogged last week about my relationship with my ex - how we still talk every once in a while but its friendly and casual and nothing to get all in a tizzy over.

Our email exchange from last week was indeed followed by a beer, several beers actually, on Thursday night. We met at a casual bar, shared an awkward hug, and had conversation that was entirely safe and emotionless... for the first hour or so.

As the drinks continued to flow we delved more and more into whats really been going on in our lives in the four or five years since we stopped dating. There were confessions on both sides... talk of breakups and hookups and times when our respective mental health may have been shakey at best. We talked about various run-ins with each other's friends over the years. We talked about what happened - why we stopped dating, why we stopped talking, why it was so awkward for so long. There was very much a feeling of raw-ness to the night... a feeling of putting it all out there on the table... after all this time...

For the first time in hanging out with him since we broke up, I felt like it was no longer about some sort of "competition". I, admittedly, always felt like when we got together I had somehow "won" because here I was in a stable, wonderful relationship with the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with... while the ex was still single. I know that sounds sick. Thursday night, however, it wasn't like that at all. There was no feeling of trying to prove that I had somehow come out of this on top - it was more mutual happiness for the other and genuine interest in how we were doing.

The whole night left me with a great hangover and an immense feeling of closure, on a situation that really was closed a long time ago. I think the worst part of our breakup for me was feeling like what we had just didn't matter at all to him. Like it was inconsequential. Like I was incredibly easy to get over. We went through some very scary stuff together - stuff I don't feel like I'm at liberty to talk about on only a pseudo-anonymous blog - and it was good to hear that he still thinks about that sometimes - and that when scary situations like the one we went through come up, he thinks about calling me... still.... even tho we don't really talk.

It felt really good to hear the things he had to say, and to get a lot of stuff off my chest. I have absolutely no romantic feelings towards him anymore, and haven't for several years now... I almost feel like I should stop giving him the label "ex" and start just calling him "an old friend" - because thats how it feels.

We ended the night on the porch of a cozy downtown bar. We talked about how this was a new beginning for us. How we were past all the bull shit of the last seven years ... but, also, how that same bull shit keeps us somewhat linked, even tho the labels and times have changed. We laughed about how in the seven years we'd known eachother, this was by far the most open we had ever been.

I don't ever see us becoming buddybuddy friends. I do see us staying in touch for a long time. I will probably add him to the list of friends that I don't see often, don't talk to often, but still count as people that are very important to me.. people I have this sort of reciprocal understanding with that in case of emergency, I'm but a short phone call away. And I think thats exactly how this should be.

I came home from class on Monday to find my apartment totally clean(and believe me, that alone was a chore), which honestly, would have been enough to make me happy on its own (hey, I'm easy to please). Then I saw that my kitchen table had had a makeover.... complete with red table cloth, super tall skinny candles, heart shaped doylies (!!!), and seriously pretty flowers of a type that I can't name (shame on me for not being more girly).

The boyfriend was away running errands (please note that he lives 45 minutes away and actually has a job, so the fact that he was at my apartment in the middle of the day on a weekday was way abnormal), so I had nothing to do but sit and glow and feel super loved until he got home. As if all this wasn't enough, when he got home he cooked up this chicken and fruit glaze dish, which we ate with a bean salad, bread from Wheatfields, and this cherry desert thing. Oh, and there was a bottle of wine.

It was a wonderful Vday. Romantic and relaxing at the same time. It was perfect.

I mentioned in my post earlier today that while I was out riding I ran into a friend of my ex-boyfriend. He told me that my ex had recently had surgery on a defective joint and when I got home I fired off an email to see how he was doing and wish him well.

This ex and I have quite a history together. On and off (bust mostly on) for two years or so. We went through some very scary stuff, shared some exciting "firsts", made some amazing memories, and in the end, made eachother cry more than a few times. Its been something like four or five years now since we broke up for the last time. We spent a while trying to be friends in the "hang out all the time" sense, which didn't quite work out. We spent some time not speaking at all and going to great lengths to avoid eachother (or maybe that was just me). And now we have this nice and comfortable unspoken arrangement by which every four or six or eight months one of us will send the other an email and the exchanges that follow will be cordial and genuine and possibly followed by coffee or a beer.

For a long time after we broke up, seeing him would make my heart jump and my stomach drop. It would leave me weak and shaken for days, and I'm not sure why. We stopped talking for a while, I think somewhat out of neccessity. I think we needed the distance and space that a clean break would provide. We were too good at getting drunk and physical and even when it didn't lead to anything sexual, the sexual tension was most certainly there. It was fun and exhilarating, and at times emotionally messy.

I don't have that same kind of reaction anymore. I admittedly probably have a stronger reaction to an email from him than I do from most people, but its usually short-lived and not especially intense. Our very casual relationship these days is purely platonic. When we get together there is no longer a feeling of sexual tension or frustration or wonder of what could have been. Now its just two people who shared a big part of eachother's lives for a little while catching up and staying in touch. Mostly we talk about cycling and coffee and sometimes a bit of the past. It makes me a bit nostalgic and very happy that someone who was a huge part of my becoming how and who I am in an intimate relationship and I are not out of eachother's lives completely. In a way, its comforting.

I've never understood those who say "I never want to talk to you again" ... and actually mean it. I've never wanted an ex gone forever. If someone was good enough, kind enough, smart enough, whatever enough to make you want to date them, why wouldn't you want to have them as your friend? I've been fortunate that the guys I've dated have all felt the same way. And I'm fortunate that my boyfriend now is comfortable and secure enough with our relationship to let me retain these friendships. Its not like I'm hoarding ex-boyfriends for future use... I just like to stay in touch.

Mid-February is not supposed to be this warm. I was done with class at 12:30 today and it didn't take long to realize that I would never forgive myself if I didn't make the most of this freakishly beautiful February day. The temperature was in the 50s, the sky was bright blue, and there was practically no wind. And the coolest thing was that in places the sun didn't reach, there was still large amounts of snow on the ground. I've ridden over frozen streams before, but never snow covered fields... and certainly never when i was only wearing shorts and a jersey... no arm warmers, no leg warmers, no gloves. I felt a bit like those guys you see pictures of sitting in lawnchairs on the snow at Everest base camp with their shirts off and sunglasses on like they're laying on the beach.

I got in a good thirty miles or so and it felt great. I rode with a local roadie dude (who happens to be friends with my exboyfriend) for a while. I did my best to keep up (and he did his best to slow down and stay with me) but when we got into the hills he dropped me like a bad habit... which was fine... I was very much enjoying the peace and quiet.

Riding a few days after a snow storm meant the streets were covered in sand and salt. It didn't bother me much, except for when a big truck would pass me in the other direction. When the trucks were really big and going really fast I would get blasted with sand and salt and my arms would sting for a couple minutes. It was scary but exhilarating and certainly a sign of the season.

I'm certainly not one to wear my pants half way down my bum and flaunt my thong all over god's green earth but I'm sure as hell wouldn't say that this travesty of society is something we need to focus our legislative energies on. Apparently Virginia disagrees.

My favorite quote:

The bill's sponsor, Democratic Delegate Algie T. Howell, declined to answer reporters' questions Thursday but issued a statement saying the bill "was in direct response to a number of my constituents who found this to be a very important issue."

It seems people around here are hot on my trail!

I noticed I got a visitor from a link from a Blackboard discussion board entry today... and I'm oh so curious as to what the course was, why I've been linked, if I know the people, if its from the law school... I don't really mind... I'm just wondering who it is... part of having a blog is having strangers read it, I realize that... having said that, its kind of creepy if they're not really strangers and you don't know they're reading it!!

So if one of you Blackboard linkers could tell me whats up, that'd be cool.

As I alluded to in my last post, yes, there is a very good chance that I will be going to Austria this summer. I'm so excited I can't even stand it!

I've begun the process to actually make this happen... getting information on tuition and housing, talking to my parents who will undoubtedly end up footing the part of the bill my student loans won't cover, talking to my home university about transferring credits... its very exciting.

I did a study abroad program with the School for Field Studies at their now defunct centre in Bamfield, B.C. my junior year of college. Even tho I suppose Canada isn't so "abroad", it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. The town we lived in was a teeny tiny fishing village on the west coast of Vancouver Island. We were three hours by logging road from the nearest stop light, ATM, McDonald's.... We spent tons of time hiking and kayaking and camping and sitting by the campfire up on the bluff overlooking the ocean and just talking the night away. I loved it.

I've always shyed away from doing the "studying in Europe" thing. When I think Europe I think big cities... London, Paris, etc... places I really would love to visit (and in the case of Paris, have visited), but not the kind of place I would want to hunker down for my entire study trip.

Innsbruck looks perfect. The possibilities for outdoor recreation when you're nestled in the Alps seem endless. And seriously, the place is absolutely BEAUTIFUL!!

I like the idea of being some place small enough that when I leave, I will feel like I really got to KNOW the place... and not just the tourist traps. I want to hang out in cafes and wander the streets and talk to the locals.

Classes at this program only run from Monday to Thursday afternoon so there is plenty of time to do short trips on the weekends. I'm also hoping to be able to spend a few weeks after school is over traveling thru Europe and making it to some of those big scary cities. And of course, I really REALLY want to try to catch a Tour de France stage if AT ALL POSSIBLE!! Anyone with suggestions on where I HAVE to go in Europe, please, send them my way!

Ironman Coeur d'Alene AND a month in Austria in one summer... it really does sound too good to be true!

I know you're all terribly tired of hearing me say I've been busy right? Don't worry, I won't say it this time. I'll just tell you what I've been up to.

I've... had a lot going on? Is that better? Good stuff mainly. Spent Saturday on a bus trip with my dad to go see our top ranked basketball team kick run a neighboring university's team in to the ground. I've been studying and training and sleeping. I've had a few lazy dinners with friends and have another planned for this week. I've put a good deal of thought into trying to write on to law review.

But mainly my mind has been awash with what could very well be happening this summer.....

I heard today from two different friends that I haven't talked to in forever, within a couple hours of eachother. They are in such different places in their lives... and the contrast between the two was stark.

The first was an instant message from my oldest friend. I only have a couple friends left from my kiddie days and this one goes back the farthest. We met when we were eight. He was on my swim team and we spent the next ten years developing this weird brother/sister relationship. Though he had a year on me, he was totally the dorky little brother. Remember "Urkel"?? The geeky black kid with the big glasses and the funny pants who was always following "Laura" around trying to win her affection? That was us. Except my friend was a geeky white dude. If I had to guess which of my friends would be the first to get married, he would be my last guess. Today he returned form his honeymoon sounding absolutely thrilled and blissful. And I'm so happy for him.

The second long lost friend was a guy I worked with in college. We weren't really good friends but we had many late night conversations about his screwy life growing up. Today he emailed everyone saying he was moving. That he lost his job and about twenty pounds and his ability to sleep at night. He was in a car accident. He got in his car at 4 a.m. and drove 800 miles a couple weeks ago. He admitted that he's suffering from a nasty bout of depression and he sounds pretty bad.

It was so strange to see both sides of the happiness and stability spectrum from two long lost friends within two hours of eachother.