November 2004 Archives

The insanity has begun. We're still a week from our first final (8 hours of civ pro) and the mind games have started. Funny how the pressure of finals and the law school curve system can turn otherwise friendly and decent people into passive-aggressive stress balls. Its subtle, and you have to watch for it, but its definitly noticeable if you know what you're looking for. Its in the "You haven't finished your outlines yet? Oh NO! statements and the way people talk about their preparedness. And I'm definitly not the only person who has noticed that people are doing this on purpose.

Fortunately it all doesn't affect me much, or at least it hasn't yet. I'm not trying to actively contribute to the sense of panic, but I'm not doing much to stifle it either - its the nature of the beast and you have to be able to handle the pressure. More than anything, I find it a little entertaining.

The mandatory curve does all sorts of weird things to inter-class relations. Its a bizarre situation you are put in. You want to help your friends... but they are your competition. If you give someone the outline that you worked hard on for days and it helps them do better than you, that could bump you down a grade. You have to be selective in who you help and who you lend your resources to. And its weird and uncomfortable to have to make those decisions, because these people are your friends.

Its really hard when you're the kind of person who wants to share everything with everyone. I want to see my friends succeed, but not at the cost of my own success. I give people my notes when they need them and will share my outlines with people if they asked for them, but I don't advertise that anyone can have my outlines, as some in my class have. Which again, is weird for me, as I'm not usually territorial. Is that bad karma? Will this come back to bite me in the ass? Its entirely possible I suppose.

I have spent the greater part of the past 4 days (minus a fabulous Thanksgiving at the parents' house) sitting at my dinner table burried in casebooks and binders and Restatements and commercial outlines, trying to make outlines of my own. The only breaks I've taken were to train and shower and stretch out my neck and shoulders. And to sleep and eat.

The boyfriend was making dinner tonight while I was zoned out working on Contracts. I knew he was hard at work on dinner but I was deep into my own work on Consideration, so I didn't pay him much attention.

We decided to eat on the couch since the kitchen table is full of study materials that I don't especially want to move. So he calls me for dinner and I walk over to the coffee table and am stunned at the sweetness of the scene. Bowls full of taco goodies arranged on one end of the table. Cloth napkins and placemats and our two plates and silverware. A good smelling candle. Relaxing music playing in the background. All on the COFFEE TABLE. It was so sweet and thoughtful and oddly romantic.

I'm so lucky.

What was supposed to be 1-2 inches of snow turned into 4-7 inches overnight. I fell asleep last night watching the snow fall out my window and woke up to find the world blanketed in white. Have I mentioned that I love snow?

Its now sunshiney and pretty out and the ground is glistening. I have spent the day thus far sitting at my kitchen table with all the blinds open drinking coffee and working on my torts outline whilst gazing out at the snowy world. Its not quite the same as snuggling by a fire, but its still very very relaxing.

Thanks to Thanksgiving break I have nowhere to go today and don't really plan on attempting to brave the icy roads till I have to go home for the holiday tomorrow. I've toyed with the idea of bundling up and walking to the high school for a swim, which I still might do, but thats only if I reallllllly feel like it. Right now I'm perfectly content to sit here drinking coffee from my Lake Placid mug and look the window at the glorious scene outside.

I'll probably go for a walk or run later. I love this weather!!

This weekend the weather dude mentioned that we could maybe expect flurries tonight. Then they said we wouldn't get anything. Then they said maybe one to two inches starting around 1 a.m. tonight. So imagine my surprise when neighbordude knocks on my door at 11 p.m. summoning me to play in the SNOW with him!

I had just been on my deck looking for flakes about 40 minutes ago, and all I saw was rain. Now, the white stuff is flying like crazy. Huge juicy flakes that left me soaked in a matter of minutes. The cars and rooftops are almost totally white ALREADY!

I get really really excited about snow. I mean REALLY excited. I think I never had the luxury of experiencing the stuff for the first 18 years of my life in any real quantity. Growing up in central Florida will do that to ya.

I love watching it. I love running in it. I love playing in it. I love drinking hot chocolate while it falls.

The funny thing is, I had started to feel the first signs of a funk setting in this evening. Just kind of a blah feeling that I couldn't seem to shake. I think the snowfall might have been enough to shake me out of it... at least for the night.

Headed out tonight at 6:15-ish into the dark cold wet night for a nice easy 40 minute recovery run. Temps are in the 30's and there's a steady rain coming down that will later turn to snow. There's an icy wind blowing at 15 or so miles an hour from the north. Its the kind of night that people driving by all bundled up in their cars look at you like they're not sure if they should offer you a ride or stay far far away because, obviously, you are crazy.

By the time I made it back to my apartment my hair and clothes were more than a little damp and my hands were numb. I'd been pelted in the face by the incredibly hard blowing rain for the last 15 minutes of my run thanks to my turn to the north.

My favorite season for running is beginning. And I got a big old taste of it tonight!

I wanted to quickly plug a blog I came across today. Its written by a 16 year old girl in Mosul, Iraq and in it she talks about all sorts of things, but mainly, what life is like over there these days. Its eye-opening and heart-wrenching and a good reminder that its not just the soldiers that we see on tv every day who are living this life...

Amazing how the wonders of the internet can allow for a 16-year old girl living in a war-torn nation's voice to be heard.

Check it out here.

So the BigScaryWritingAssignment is due on Friday and finals are right around the corner and its been really interesting seeing how different people react to stress. Today in class a friend of mine ended up fighting back tears when she realized that all the prep work she did to be up in class today was done in vain (well, as far as getting called on goes) because the professor didn’t get to her and she will be up tomorrow instead. She’s freaking out about her memo and spent a ton of time preparing for class today and will now have to repeat the performance tonight in order to be prepared for tomorrow’s lecture. Annoying? Yes. An inconvenience? Yes. Something to make you cry and tremble and contemplate your future as a law student? Probably not. She’s in a state of panic because she thinks her BigScary is totally wrong and she will be the first 1L to flunk out based solely on her grade on this one assignment. And she absolutely hates being called on despite the fact that all of our professors, and this one in particular, are actually pretty kind and easy on us when we’re up. I keep trying to get her to put this all in perspective but she’s reached a state of mania about this from which I think there is no return until she gets her grades back and sees that low and behold, she did just fine.

The boyfriend and I watched Big Fish the other day. And I’m not going to ruin the plot for those of you who haven’t seen it, but let me just explain that there is a scene where one of the main characters is laying in bed, sick with cancer, and he says he isn’t worried because “this isn’t what is going to kill me…” (or something to that effect) because some wacky witch showed him how he would die when he was a kid, and laying in bed ill wasn’t it. I don’t know how I’m going to die, but I’m pretty sure its not going to be while taking a law school final or writing a paper or participating in even the most grueling Socratic exchange.

I swore I would never get cheesy and draw some lame parallel between Ironman and law school… but well, I think I have to because it IS something I have thought about. And it’s a thought that has kept me sane and balanced and helped to keep things in perspective whether I’m writing a paper that is 50% of my grade or preparing for finals which are ALL of my grade.

I'm hesitant to write about this here because it seems so over-dramatic and self-righteous, but its an honest to god thought that has kept me going. So here goes....I participate in a sport where it is considered very normal (although unfortunate) to spend a couple hours post-race in a med-tent with a needle in your arm. I’ve ridden down hills at 45+ mph on an 18 pound bike with the only thing connecting me to solid ground being two very very skinny tires. I’ve pushed my body to the point where my legs locked up. To the point where I could barely walk anymore. To the point where curling up in a ditch on some deserted country road and taking a nap actually seemed like a good idea. I’ve seen people in races around me in far worse states than I. I saw a girl in the transition area at Lake Placid this summer being carried around on a stretcher, completely out of it. I’ve seen people go down hard on the bike. It seems that almost every year, some athlete in some race is killed when they lose their balance just for a moment and hit the pavement the wrong way. And who knows how many more are killed or seriously injured in training. And there is always the thought in the back of your head that that could have been you.

And I’m supposed to be scared of taking a final or writing a paper? Sure, there’s a chance that I could fail. There’s a chance that my paper could turn out horrid. But that is just about the WORST that could happen. I see no point in getting all worked up about this stuff. Don’t get me wrong… I’m working my butt off in school. I’ve spent a gazillion hours on my paper, I study, I do my reading, I really really want to do well. But I’m not going to make myself completely crazy in that process. And besides, I believe that being completely crazy about it is far FAR more of a detriment to this whole process than going in as calm and confident as you can. I’m very much a “take it as it comes” person, and right now, I feel like that may be my biggest ally in this law school experience. I'm not saying that when finals roll around that I won't be nervous. I'm sure I will be a bit jittery and on edge. BUT I'm pretty sure that I WON'T be in hysterics like several people already seem to be....

Ok.. I’m done. I promise not to overly dramatize Ironman and law school again. (Well, this semester….)

*yawn* *stretch*

G'mornin folks.

Wednesday morning and I'm waiting for the coffee to kick in. Its been a long week with the memo writing madness but fortunately, the end is in sight. Ok, so I've still got a WAYS to go on this thing but by Friday it will all be over. Woohoo. On top of the memo, we're up today in Contracts. Not my favorite thing in the world to do, but it doesn't bother me much. My frriend who sits to the left of me however completely freaks out every time we're up. Plus she's convinced that her BigScary memo is awful and she will be the first 1L to flunk out based solely on her grade in the BigScary. These two things combined should make for an interesting morning.

Believe it or not, we are not all religious freaks in the midwest. Proof here.

Sincerely,

The "deviant county"

...at least thats what I keep telling myself.

This memo is hard. I fully realize that its SUPPOSED to be hard, but jesus... did they have to throw ALL of this at us at once? Thus far we have been hand-fed our memo assignments. We'd get the hypo and then two or three cases or statutes or whatever that we were supposed to use to figure out whether Mia could be held liable for a battery or whatever. The first three assignments generally had a "less than 1000 words" limit and none were worth more than 15% of our grade.

Enter the BigScaryWritingAssignment. 50% of our grade. 2,200 word limit. And, most frightening of all, absolutely NO guidance as to what the law governing it is. No hand-holding. No help. "Here's your assignment... the library's that way... off you go!"

I keep reminding myself that at this point in my law school career, it doesn't have to be perfect. I've been in law school for three months now and have written three smaller papers that only slightly resemble the BigScary, so there is NO WAY they can expect us to do this perfectly.

Like much of law school, I am trying to look at this paper as a process. The first memo, I had know idea what on god's green earth I was doing... the second it was a little more clear... and the last one actually made sense. This one is much more difficult because its SUPPOSED to be.

I've done ok on these assignments. Never the lowest grade, never the highest... always somewhere in the middle with a slight trend towards improvement after each. The way I see it, if I continue this pace, I'll have the highest paper grades by the end of 3L year.

I keep trying to tell myself that my chances of doing well are just as good as anyone else's. But then I look around the room and realize that I'm surrounded by highly intelligent and motivated people and that if I want to do well, I'm going to have to fight for it. I'm not throwing myself a pity party here... and I'm not saying that I'm stupid, because in reality I'm not... BUT its hard to compete with people who got full rides to the school that I barely squeaked into, who graduated from undergrad programs that wouldn't have accepted me in a million years... its a little intimidating.

I keep trying to remind myself that this is the first time (sadly enough) in school that I've actually applied myself, and that had I been this motivated through high school and college, that *I* too could have some of those same accolades... but its a little hard.

By Friday, all of this BigScary madness will be over. I can't wait.

BigScaryWritingAssignment is due on Friday and I've dedicated the entire weekend to slaving away on it. Unfortunately, I have yet to be all that productive. I spent the better part of 8 hours yesterday sitting in front of this here lap top and all I have to show for it is two or three jumbled paragraphs that don't even closely resembled IRAC. I guess I also responded to every email in my in-box, caught up on all the blogs I'm behind on, won three games of two-suit Spider Solitaire, and watched the end of a very close football game (we lost). Oh, and I ran for an hour.

The boyfriend's out of town this weekend and I was really looking forward to a quiet relaxing weekend, and thanks to BigScaryWritingAssignment that hasn't been possible. I wanted to lay on the couch and drink wine and watch girly movies and read and knit and.... ahh... it would have been bliss.

But instead I slave away.

... Halloween.

Yesterday I was sitting in the commons at lunch with a group of girls and somehow the subject turned to weight. Someone commented on how they were upset because they had gained a few pounds and I said something to the effect of "ugh... I know how you feel!". Upon which several of the girls said to me "You don't seem like the kind of person that would worry about that kind of thing". They actually sounded a little disappointed.

Its not that I agonize over every single pound. And its not that I want to lose weight. But I DO have a range that I like to stay in. Its not based on any sort of sick need-to-be-thin/think-i'm-so-fat dysmorphic body image... its simply where I feel the healthiest and sexiest and most comfortable.

The boyfriend and I were talking the other day and he said to me "Ok... so you weigh 137 right now? and you like to be around 134... do you REALLY think those 3 pounds are noticeable?". But they are. When you're only 5'4" (a pretty muscular 5'4" might I add ;)), every little pound seems to make an appreciable difference. And when any weight gained goes straight to the same place (legs and hips! legs and hips!), its definitly noticeable, at least to my oh so critical eye. I tried explaing to him that when you have naturally big (I hate the word big because it sounds so negative.... what would be a better word? Strong? Full?) legs and you do a friggin sport that involves large amounts of leg muscle and THEN you gain a couple pounds, you can definitly feel it in the snugness of your jeans. And its not so comfy.

The reaction from my friends at lunch yesterday to my confession about worrying about weight was pretty interesting to me. Had we had time I would have said to them "Listen up! I spend the 9 months of the year that I'm training eating everything in sight! Sometimes I feel like ALL I DO is wander around in the grocery store looking for free samples to satisfy my zillion calorie a day appetite I don't especially WANT to lose weight and I'm pretty happy where I am! I just want to STAY at this size". I'm not sure why they would have thought that I WOULDN'T worry about it?

I had a bizarre dream last night that I was on some sort of "Fear Factor" type show and they were making me eat a plate full of cow brains and I just couldn't do it. I remember sitting there looking at this huge plate of cow brains and wondering how the hell I was supposed to put them in my mouth and actually chew them up and swallow. In my dream I had a complete breakdown... I started shaking and crying and gagging just thinking about it.

It was really very strange.... I wonder what I would do in real life if I was put in that position? (Not that I ever would be....)

Its 2:21 on a Monday night and I'm sitting here with thoughts racing through my head from something I witnessed this evening. I guess I didn't really witness the event, but I definitly saw the aftermath and I don't even know what to think. A lot of shit happens to a lot of people... I realize that. But some of this shit just seems so far removed.... and then you SEE it on one of your best friends and you wonder what the fuck is wrong with people?

I don't know whether to cry or go for a rabid middle of the night run or pour myself a large glass of wine ... Its now 2:24... maybe I should just go to bed.

I don’t even know what to say today. This whole election thing has left me feeling very very upset and disillusioned and disappointed and hopeless. The only thing more upsetting to me than the fact that we will have four more years of this kook in the White House is the thought that a majority of Americans actually agree with him.

I don’t get it. I don’t understand how so many Americans can support someone who is only moving us backwards. I don’t know how I’m supposed to support a President who lied to get us into a war where 1,000 Americans and god knows how many Iraqi civilians have been killed. I don’t understand how I’m supposed to support a president who would rather have abortions being provided in back alleys than clinical settings. Who thinks abstinence only should be taught in school. Who has a helluva time with this whole idea of separation of church and state. Who feels its far more important to open ANWR to drilling than to find alternative fuel sources which would be more environmentally sound. I don’t know how to support someone who feels the best approach to foreign policy is to give a big slap in the face to the rest of the world (except Poland of course) and look into only what protects OUR interests… and how pissing off everyone else is really a protection of our interests at all. Who thinks we can have millions of dollars worth of tax cuts, go to war, and still provide basic services to the American people.

I’m absolutely appalled and embarrassed by all the states that succeeded in banning gay marriage. Have we not evolved enough as a society that we can recognize every human being’s basic human right to make a commitment in the eyes of the law and their god and society to another human being, regardless of sex? Is it really the government’s job to decide who we marry?

I’m feeling really disillusioned with the whole political process right now. The greater of two evils won and I would certainly be feeling much better today if Kerry had been elected, but I’m not sure that I would still be feeling completely satisfied. My beliefs are more in line with his, but we still differ on a variety of ways. I don’t understand why we are so stuck in this two party system in America. Surely there are other ideas on how to run this country. Surely there aren’t only two answers to this problem.

The overwhelming feeling in this “looney liberal town” today is one of gloom. The coffee shop was all abuzz with talk of elections and war and outrage. One of my professors passed out chocolate in class today “because of its anti-depressant properties”.

I’m trying to look on the bright side of this… but I really can’t see it right now…

All day yesterday and today I've felt tired and cranky and like there's a bit of a black cloud hanging over my head. I'm not quite sure what it is. Its nothing too terrible or worrisome, its just making life a little less fun at the moment. I think I'm mostly just behind on sleep and possibly still recovering from the Halloween festivities. School has become a little more intense lately with the handing out of our big writing assignment for the semester and the introduction of lightning bolt Socratic questioning in Property for the next couple weeks (thanks to the intricate and inherently confusing nature of estates).

This whole paper thing has me a bit flustered. I'm enjoying the research and think I'm finding good stuff and am getting a good grasp on what I want to say, but being able to put it all down in a coherent manner that gets my point across, using IRAC correctly, getting all my citations right... its a little overwhelming. Doesn't help that our professors have all talked up this assignment like its do or die and it counts as 50% of our grade...

Tomorrow I'm having a couple people over to drink wine and watch the election night coverage and act all intellectual-like. Should be a welcome break from the daily grind.